I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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