It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
