Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
