Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
