I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
