I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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