This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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