I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
