even my farts smell like vagina
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
