Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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