Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
