She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You are a genius and a whore.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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