i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
