My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
