let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
