I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
