return my video game
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
