Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
