I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
