Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
