Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My dick has a subreddit
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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