I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
