Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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