trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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