I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
