Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
