i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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