I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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