I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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