I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
