I am spending my child support on dildos
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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