They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
