In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
