So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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