I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
