Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
