Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
