dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
