They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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