it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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