You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
