I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
