Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
