Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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