I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize