A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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