I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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