i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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