WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
