i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
