God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
