I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
