We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
