Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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